Good day dear friend.
I hope you are doing fine today.
In response to your hasty and unconsidered dismissal of my generous request and in order to explain how you have misjudged me it is necessary to speak though I had not planned to do it quite so soon about my country sandinkyland and the grievous wrongs that have recently taken place there.
A terrible calamity has befallen my homeland my people and its queen our most virtuous monarch ja-ya quala-try the impeccable exalted unparalleled peerless in all facets of her expansive being who has fallen along with all of her babies which I list here in order of succession: princess escalon princess regina-baffo prince lum princess matati prince ballywhite princess hoobie princess donohue-buck prince speego prince gosperdang into the clutches of a cadre of maximally debased sulabdonian mercenary soldiers enemies of decency and peace unprincipled destroyers of the world order and it is because of this crime this insult to my nation and to all just and moral people living in peaceful sovereign countries also in danger of being overrun by scurrilous outside forces that I have the urgent need for capital funds which I estimate to be six-million-seven-hundred-ninety-four-thousand-four-hundred-eighty-nine dollars and thirty-four-and-one-half cents in other words precisely half of the total of the cash payout that we as partners are due to collect from the estate of my late client to raise a well supplied and disciplined army to liberate my queen and her children and save my homeland from treacherous perfidy.
I hasten to add that the amount I mention above does not include the value of my deceased client’s extensive real estate holdings his several private islands manor houses a multimillion-dollar collection of fabergé eggs a stable of exotic subterranean animals and a rare assortment of heirloom pie plates and tins all of which I bequeath to you now on this spot at this moment assuming you are willing to change your mind revert to your former state of sanity and support me as I do not wish to become entangled in the business of maintaining or selling off these extensive properties while in the midst of amassing an army of liberation.
I am the only one who has the talent the knowledge and god willing the resources to restore our queen to her throne and it is because of my exhaustive research about your virtuous character and your love of pink butterflies that I understand how much your own sandinkylandic heritage on your great grand-uncle’s side influences your sensibilities and how horrified you must certainly be right now to learn of the grave injustice taking place there and with your boundless empathy for the grievously wronged anywhere in the world I know you will naturally have the strongest affinity for my righteous cause and may even wish to join me in my quest to end once and for all this execrable nightmare that overwhelms sandinkyland which if it not be stopped threatens to spread the neofascist infection to every peaceful country of the world.
The mercenaries of whom I speak are in the paid service of a person well known to you well known to everyone as the man who acted the role of president on tv news performances internet spectacles and partisan rallies for four years the perennial streaming star political time bomb and failed human being pretend or not-so-pretend nazi more properly referred to as rumpus an ever-metastasizing cult leader whose modus operandi for imposing himself on the world’s collective consciousness is to stir up continuous media noise with lawsuits counter lawsuits enigmatic crimes ostentatious pronouncements and other attention-grabbing jeu de theatre and jetwashing which the international press finds as impossible to ignore as for a school of sharks to ignore a bucketfull of sticky blood chum dumped from the stern of a luxury yacht piloted by a bearded sun-toned oxycontin-addicted oligarch with an irredeemable hemingway complex.
Sandinkyland as I’m sure you know is the unfortunately-positioned kingdom surrounded by a ring of rare-earth-rich-nations-for-profit which are effectively colonies of the international billionaire class whose need for raw materials to feed their growing techno empires and wet dreams of a vast hypno-consumer-citizenry addicted to an endless parade of automated pestiferous conveniences that chummy clubby stanford-silicon-hatched magnificos cheerfully compete with one another to bring to market without the slightest compunction about the deleterious effects these methods of consumer masturbation have on the health and happiness of humanity not to mention other life forms on planet earth which reminds me that sandinkyland was formerly known as the home of numerous magnificent creatures such as the famous geomancer’s cyanic hummingbird the three-horned gazelle topaz-winged butterflies so numerous that they were said to resemble churning baby-blue clouds during their famous hours-long aerial copulating ballets which would happen quite suddenly every april but never on exactly the same day above the lush jackfruit forests extinct now obviated by pleasure shooters sons of rumpus mowed down with monogrammed darkweb machine pistols and shoulder-braced bazookas accompanied by conniving girlfriends car show models youtube influencers and other exotic-erotic hangers on who take pleasure in senseless destruction subsidized by the tax-exempt pillowmax international corp blasting away the once diverse fauna not to mention flora clear cutting the newly sick and splintered forests to make way for expansive scopious nearly-universal jimmie deen factory-fed sausage farms whose massive illuminated signs with the logo that includes the boot shine so brightly that nighttime never arrives in sandinkyland anymore and sausages are never not on sale at chain groceries around the world while our people once renowned for their laughter and cheerful song that burst forth at the merest tickle of the tropical breeze have been transformed into a glum and clinically depressed diaspora spread along the southernmost borders of idaho wyoming nebraska iowa the isle of lonely ducks and other obscure parts of the northern and southern hemispheres where they toil as subjects in the displaced-person industrial complex tasked with answering endless survey questions posed by ambivalent bored clipboard-toting college students who do not take the slightest pleasure in the task but participate because of their soul-eviscerating student loan debts now exceeding the combined gdp of the ninth through seventeenth richest countries on the planet amassed due to recklessly having followed their childhood dreams to study comparative literature art history philosophy rhetoric or any of the other now maligned liberal arts that for centuries opened doors to contemplation and helped build the foundation of our peoples’ shared enlightenment.
The princess who is being held in a crypto-fascist diamond mine stripped naked except for her flamboyant blue hat festooned with the feathers of extinct miniature iberian electric-blue-throated hummingbirds that required the plucking of nine hundred and twelve of these gloriously shimmering individuals for every square inch of the hat’s surface languishes in the deepest sub basement of the deepest mine in a tiny festering cell with four sweating walls as well as a sweating ceiling and a mildew infested sweating floor that progressively turns the spaces between the princess’s long exemplary pale toes once famously photographed using a modified hasselblad digitali octo-lense multi-signal cameraphone by the famous vogue photographer and celebrity spouse christina talent which caused a stir in fashion/art circles in new york in the late twenty-tens an unseemly crusty shade of deep blue-black.
The princess has no way of communicating with the outside world except for an old battered iphone six with a cracked screen hidden behind a loose brick by necessity in low power mode with just one bar of spotty coverage due to the colossal depth of her subterranean prison.
If you can find it in yourself to change your mind come to your senses and join with me in this history-modifying endeavor I am certain we can very quickly unlock the funds left behind by my former client who sleeps peacefully in the netherworld and who if he could speak would enthusiastically approve of my project and we will have ample monies to liberate feed and clothe the princess’s nine babies (four males and five females) who are held in an infant asylum-cum-ammunition dump-cum-hideout by brusque unceremonious men famous for their hollow nosed bullets comfy seal skin mufflers and cutting-edge avant-garde camouflage designs while these tiny innocents are tossed willy-nilly into empty ammo bins wrapped in lengths of cammo bengaline bunting of multiple intriguing patterns with nary a caress a gesture of kindness a breast to suckle nor even a goochi-goochi-goo.
Please won’t you help me rectify this insult to humanity and all peaceable freeloving people everywhere?
It is imperative that you give me your honest answer quickly.
Thank you dear friend.
Advocate argronominious-don
"...and may even wish to join me in my quest to end once and for all this execrable nightmare that overwhelms ... [and] which if it not be stopped threatens to spread the neofascist infection to every peaceful country of the world."
my thoughts exactly, Agronomious.
BTW - wonderful blue princess (and babies) drawing; and blue does not appear in Homer, which is quite the mystery as ancient Greeks were surrounded by water and great sea-farers
Hilarious run on sentences, James Joyce would be impressed.